Finding the right match

I began this a years ago while trying and figure out what would make me happy in a relationship. I had a history of multiple long term relationships but not of making the right choices. I allowed the relationships to continue even after working hard to work through the issues without success. Right now I am just working on myself though I can't say I am doing it particularly well. I wanted to share this with others.

Please keep in mind that the list is in NO particular order.

There are a number of things that must be present in a relationship for two persons to be happy. The 'big 4' are 1-4 and are particularly important to me for long term happiness. The more on this list that two persons can share, the greater chance for happiness of both and the likelihood of a fulfilling long term (ideally forever) relationship. There is NO order to this list.


1. Physical Attractiveness
a. Like to be seen with
b. Personal attraction

Two persons must be attracted to each other in some physical way. Though there
are other attributes that make a person beautiful, there must be some level of
physical attraction.

2. Respect or admiration for knowledge, abilities, occupation or talent

a. Ethics and/or work ethic
b. Taste
c. Talent
d. Skills/Abilities
e. Knowledge

One must have respect for the other that is separate from anything sexual.


3. Empathy and Affection

a. Empathy and caring, abilities of, display of

Your partner must be able to display caring and understanding at a level that makes you feel good.

b. Affection

Your partner must be able to give and receive physical affection at a level that makes you feel good..


4. Communication

a. Conflict Resolution

Though many relationships survive despite the inability to easily resolve conflict, the ability to work through problems with effective communication is key.

b. Freedom of Expression

You must feel comfortable expressing your feelings and thoughts without fear. You must be able to talk about who you are and what you think. There should be no judgment.

It must be ok for you say how you feel.



5. Shared values and politics

It is important to share similar values and political beliefs


6. Religious/spiritual tendencies

There should be no conflicts due to differing religious beliefs or ways of practice.


7. Kids/no kids

This issue must be settled for long term happiness. To have or not to have or how to raise. This is generally most important for those just starting out or those that still want to have (more) kids.


8. Shared interests, some intersection of interests, differences are good but must have some intersection of interests

Though two people can be very different, there must be some intersection of interests that each shares. This must be again separate from sex.




**Note: Our feelings about potential mates cannot always be explained because sometimes we just 'feel what we feel' and cannot control those feelings. Relationships often end, or never begin, because one person just doesn't feel the same as the other, no matter how much he/she would like to feel differently. Treating someone like a king or queen doesn't make someone love you, no matter how wonderful of a person you may be. They will feel one way or another and it isn't a conscious choice. People are often confused by 'why doesn't he love me? I do everything right and can provide anything he wants' but for some reason he doesn't feel equally.

Some can describe their perfect mate, but when presented with just that, they may find they don't feel the way they thought. Much of this comes from our development as children, our genetic dispositions and the environment within which we have lived.

How we feel about another is not fully within our control. However, we may choose to act on a relationship even if I feelings don't follow.

You cannot make someone love you. It doesn't matter how good you are to another, they will feel the way they feel because of their makeup. Someone may love you for the way you treat them however it won't make them be 'in love' with you. One may choose to act on the relationship even if the feelings are not present.


Sex can confuse beginning relationships because it is such a powerful force. At some point however we realize that there are so many other components to consider and if we allow a relationship to continue without considering all the other attributes, it can create a stressful situation.


The Hidden Attraction

It is not always clear why we are attracted to someone. There are those that attract us based on our psychological makeup. Do you find yourself attracted to the same types of people over and over? There is a reason and you must do some serious introspective research to figure it out. An author by the name of Harville Hendrix has written a few books based on Imago theory.


Imago Theory

The following except from Harville Hendrix provides the best explanation

Let me explain. We all think that we have freedom of choice when it comes to selecting our partners. But regardless of what it is we think we're looking for in a mate, our unconscious has its own agenda.

Our primitive "old" brain has a compelling, non-negotiable drive to restore the feeling of aliveness and wholeness that we came into the world with. To accomplish that, it must repair the damage done in childhood as a result of unmet needs, and the way it does that is to find a partner who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide.

You'd think, then, that we would choose someone who has what our caretakers lacked. If only that were so! But the old brain has a mind of its own, with its own checklist of desired qualities. It is carrying around its own image of the perfect partner, a complex synthesis of qualities formed in reaction to the way our caretakers responded to our needs. Every pleasure or pain, every transaction of childhood, has left its mark on us, and these collective impressions form an unconscious picture we're always trying to replicate as we scan our environment for a suitable mate.

This image of "the person who can make me whole again" I call the Imago. Though we consciously seek only the positive traits, the negative traits of our caretakers are more indelibly imprinted in our Imago picture, because those are the traits which caused the painful experiences we now seek to heal. Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone who reminds us of our caretakers. In other words, we look for someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place.
So when we fall in love, when bells ring and the world seems altogether a better place, our old brain is telling us that we've found someone with whom we can finally get our needs met. Unfortunately, since we don't understand what's going on, we're shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces, and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction.

But that's not all the bad news. Another powerful component of our Imago is that we seek the qualities missing in ourselves that got lost in the shuffle of socialization. If we are shy, we seek someone outgoing; if we're disorganized, we're attracted to someone cool and rational. But eventually, when our own feelings 'our repressed exuberance or anger' are stirred, we are uncomfortable, and criticize our partners for being too outgoing, too coldly rational, to temperamental. -Harville Hendrix



Human Scent

There is evidence that humans have the ability to detect odorless pheromones by an organ in the nose called the vomeronasal. There is no proof that this exists and there is much debate about products that claim to make you more attractive by the addition of pheromones to perfume and cologne products. If nothing else, it may give people more confidence and thus make them more attractive.

There are however scents we can detect in others that attract, repel or have no impact. The smell of another person can increase your desire to be with them and enhance the sexual experience. This may be a genetic preference for certain smells or something even more primitive.